April 18th, 1 AB

A mystery illness is striking students in parts of New York state. The illness, which has not yet been identified, exhibits flu-like symptoms. Reports of the sickness have been taken seriously everywhere except in Amityville, where it is believed the mystery illness is really an elaborate hoax designed to sell books.


After the results of numerous court challenges and recounts, comedian and political commentator Al Franken has been officially named United States senator from Minnesota, narrowly defeating Norm Coleman. In a completely unrelated story, Minnesota no longer has any credibility.

The "golden arches" sign from a McDonald's restaurant in Window Rock, Arizona, fell and crushed an SUV, injuring the couple inside. The collapse of the sign was blamed on recent high winds, and McDonald's officials said there was no blame to be found within the organization. However, the fast food chain refused to comment on a report that another couple was held hostage for fourteen hours by Ronald McDonald.

According to a report out of Washington, D.C., Chinese spies have infiltrated the United States at startling levels. Their infiltration may be so deep, in fact, that there is a possibility spies have planted chips onboard US planes. Sources inside the Obama administration said the president was initially unconcerned about the report, but was then informed that it referred to "spy chips" rather than "chip chips."