February 23rd, 1 AB

After falling 251 points in Monday trading, the Dow-Jones Industrial Average has dropped to its 1997 level. In a completely unrelated story, Hollywood has also regressed back to 1997, with Paramount, Sony, and Universal re-releasing hits of the year, including Titanic, Men In Black, and The Lost World: Jurassic Park.


Senator Jim Bunning has apologized for an earlier remark in which he stated Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months. "I apologize if my comments offended Justice Ginsberg," he said. "I hope she recovers quickly." He also qualified his earlier statement, saying he had seen her dancing skills and confused her with Patrick Swayze.


Reports say President Barack Obama will likely name former Washington governor Gary Locke to the position of Commerce Secretary, his third selection after New Mexico governor Bill Richardson and senator from New Jersey Judd Gregg withdrew from consideration. The same reports also say Obama is taking notes from recent history and is currently searching for his fourth nominee for the job.

According to reports, 2008 Academy Award winner for Best Picture Slumdog Millionaire nearly went straight to DVD, due to Warner Brothers' cutbacks in independent film funding. In an unrelated story, Warner Brothers also announced it will be considering releasing upcoming Terminator: Salvation direct to DVD and pushing for star Christian Bale for Best Actor.

February 21st, 1 AB

In creating his first budget as president, Barack Obama has put together a plan to cut the federal budget deficit by over 50% over the next four years. His plan is said to include reduced defense spending, as well as increased taxes for businesses and the wealthy. When asked about the plans, Obama was heard to exclaim, "What? You're really not that surprised, are you?"

A fifteen year old girl called the police to turn in her mother for smoking pot. When asked why she chose to do this, the girl replied, "Why should she get to do it if I can't?" The mother also expressed dismay, saying she wished her child was Michael Phelps.

The major of Chicago has announced a plan to install surveillance cameras on every street corner in the city by 2016. The measure was announced with the intention of providing safety for the Olympic games, to be played in the city in 2016. However, another benefit of the cameras has been found: catching aspiring governors and senate appointments from Illinois in the act.

February 15th, 0 AB

Leonard Abess, Jr., who recently sold his majority ownership of City National Bancshares, distributed bonuses totaling $60 million to 399 current employees of the bank, as well as 72 former employees. Unfortunately, all 471 beneficiaries now fall under a newly-instituted windfall profits tax.

Former senator and astronaut Harrison Schmitt announced he does not believe humans are the cause of global warming. "I don't think the human effect is significant compared to the natural effect," he said. He also indicated he believes skeptics are being intimidated into silence. Schmitt will be speaking next month at the International Conference On Climate Change. The last man to walk on the moon will also be performing in a one-man show entitled Who I Met On The Moon And What They Told Me To Say About Global Warming.

According to a Dutch study, a well-known blood pressure pill could help block patients' bad memories. Experts say the pill could be used to treat those suffering from anxiety disorders and certain phobias. A former United States president was among the test subjects, but officials refused to name which one, stating only, "He completely forgot having married Hillary."

An earthquake has rattled central New Jersey for the second time in two weeks. Although residents expressed little concern over the quakes, a nationwide poll shows that "earthquakes" has become the number one answer to the question "Why won't you live in New Jersey," supplanting former number one answer "the smell."

Dr. Alan Boss, who serves at the Carnegie Institute Of Science, has told the American Association For The Advancement Of Science that, based upon current observations, he estimates there could be as many as 100 billion planets similar to Earth in the Milky Way galaxy. Boss went on to reassure the conference that, even with these figures, he estimates there is only one Al Franken.

February 5th, 1 AB

According to Elizabeth Warren, who chairs the Congressional oversight panel responsible for overseeing the federal bailout, the government overpaid for the bank stocks it acquired as part of the bailout. She stated the government paid $254 billion for assets totaling only $176 billion. In an unrelated story, the Senate worked through their lunch hour on the bill outlining a stimulus package. In order to satiate hunger, an order was placed for $1000 worth of pizza; upon delivery, the driver was paid in cash and given a $1 million tip.

At a technology conference in California, Microsoft founder Bill Gates unleashed a swarm of mosquitoes upon the audience to prove a point about the spread of malaria. "There's no reason only poor people should get malaria," Gates said. As if this wasn't enough, Gates then pressed a button that dropped the entire crowd into a tank of shark-infested water, stating "there's no reason only surfers should be eaten by sharks."


In the midst of the release of a photo showing Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps smoking marijuana, Kellogg has announced it will drop its endorsement deal with Phelps. The announcement was seen as a surprise, as Kellogg brand cereals have long been a favorite of potheads suffering from the munchies.

Buffalo State College in New York recently hosted a national teach-in on Global Warming Situations. However, the day of the teach-in saw temperatures in Buffalo drop to six degrees below zero. The meeting has come under fire for not presenting a logical explanation for the Global Warming Situation in which a global warming conference is held in sub-zero temperatures.