February 5th, 1 AB

According to Elizabeth Warren, who chairs the Congressional oversight panel responsible for overseeing the federal bailout, the government overpaid for the bank stocks it acquired as part of the bailout. She stated the government paid $254 billion for assets totaling only $176 billion. In an unrelated story, the Senate worked through their lunch hour on the bill outlining a stimulus package. In order to satiate hunger, an order was placed for $1000 worth of pizza; upon delivery, the driver was paid in cash and given a $1 million tip.

At a technology conference in California, Microsoft founder Bill Gates unleashed a swarm of mosquitoes upon the audience to prove a point about the spread of malaria. "There's no reason only poor people should get malaria," Gates said. As if this wasn't enough, Gates then pressed a button that dropped the entire crowd into a tank of shark-infested water, stating "there's no reason only surfers should be eaten by sharks."


In the midst of the release of a photo showing Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps smoking marijuana, Kellogg has announced it will drop its endorsement deal with Phelps. The announcement was seen as a surprise, as Kellogg brand cereals have long been a favorite of potheads suffering from the munchies.

Buffalo State College in New York recently hosted a national teach-in on Global Warming Situations. However, the day of the teach-in saw temperatures in Buffalo drop to six degrees below zero. The meeting has come under fire for not presenting a logical explanation for the Global Warming Situation in which a global warming conference is held in sub-zero temperatures.