February 21st, 1 AB

In creating his first budget as president, Barack Obama has put together a plan to cut the federal budget deficit by over 50% over the next four years. His plan is said to include reduced defense spending, as well as increased taxes for businesses and the wealthy. When asked about the plans, Obama was heard to exclaim, "What? You're really not that surprised, are you?"

A fifteen year old girl called the police to turn in her mother for smoking pot. When asked why she chose to do this, the girl replied, "Why should she get to do it if I can't?" The mother also expressed dismay, saying she wished her child was Michael Phelps.

The major of Chicago has announced a plan to install surveillance cameras on every street corner in the city by 2016. The measure was announced with the intention of providing safety for the Olympic games, to be played in the city in 2016. However, another benefit of the cameras has been found: catching aspiring governors and senate appointments from Illinois in the act.