February 23rd, 1 AB

After falling 251 points in Monday trading, the Dow-Jones Industrial Average has dropped to its 1997 level. In a completely unrelated story, Hollywood has also regressed back to 1997, with Paramount, Sony, and Universal re-releasing hits of the year, including Titanic, Men In Black, and The Lost World: Jurassic Park.


Senator Jim Bunning has apologized for an earlier remark in which he stated Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months. "I apologize if my comments offended Justice Ginsberg," he said. "I hope she recovers quickly." He also qualified his earlier statement, saying he had seen her dancing skills and confused her with Patrick Swayze.


Reports say President Barack Obama will likely name former Washington governor Gary Locke to the position of Commerce Secretary, his third selection after New Mexico governor Bill Richardson and senator from New Jersey Judd Gregg withdrew from consideration. The same reports also say Obama is taking notes from recent history and is currently searching for his fourth nominee for the job.

According to reports, 2008 Academy Award winner for Best Picture Slumdog Millionaire nearly went straight to DVD, due to Warner Brothers' cutbacks in independent film funding. In an unrelated story, Warner Brothers also announced it will be considering releasing upcoming Terminator: Salvation direct to DVD and pushing for star Christian Bale for Best Actor.