January 31st, 1 AB

This coming Monday schools in Pittsburgh will operate on a two hour delay due to the SuperBowl, according to superintendent Mark Roosevelt. The decision was made to open the schools late based on the assumption that students and staff will be up late watching the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl. In a related story, in the event the Arizona Cardinals defeat the Steelers, the school's dress code will be changed to mandatory all-black clothing in a show of mourning.

A photo of Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps has surfaced showing the athelete apparently smoking marijuana from a bong. Phelps has not responded to the accusations, but an unnamed source says he feels more at home around water (or water bongs).

Scientists have used preserved DNA from a Pyrenean ibex to clone the now-extinct animal. Unfortunately, the animal died shortly after birth due to fatal defects in the lungs. Officials have been quiet about the next extinct animals to be cloned, but scientists have been seen meeting with John Hammond.


Vaclav Klaus, president of the Czech Republic, announced he does not believe there is global warming. "I don't think that there is any global warming," he said. "I don't see the statistical data for that." He went on to criticize former vice president and environmental activist Al Gore, saying he was "very sorry that some people like Al Gore are not ready to listen to the competing theories." Al Gore refused to comment on the situation, but did recently cancel a planned trip to the Czech Republic, citing what he believed would be a "cold" reception.

January 21st, 1 AB

We at Life After Obama would like to celebrate the events that occurred yesterday as part of what many consider to be an "historic" day in the history of the United States. However, this would not be in line with LAO's dream of a colorblind society; as such, we will not mention the inauguration of Barack Obama as the nation's first black president in sixteen years.

Caroline Kennedy has withdrawn her name from consideration to replace departing New York senator Hillary Clinton. Kennedy made the decision after learning she was not going to be chosen by New York governor David Patterson to succeed senator Clinton. In an unrelated story, the New England Patriots have withdrawn from consideration for a place in the Super Bowl after finding out they did not make the playoffs.

According to the Global Language Monitor, president Obama's inauguration was covered 35 times more than president George W. Bush's inauguration in 2005. The most recent inauguration inspired about 35,000 news stories, compared to a mere 1000 for Bush's inauguration. Upon hearing the news, Republicans in Congress hastily drew up a bill aiming to elminate the national debt by charging a tax of $285 million for each Obama story printed.

After a mistake-filled oath of office was administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, President Obama was re-administered the oath by Justice Roberts today. "We decided it was so much fun," joked Obama. So much fun, in fact, that sources say Roberts was presented with a special pager so that he can be called at a moment's notice to again administer the oath whenever the mood strikes.

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim has invested $250 million into the New York Times, which has recently been suffering from a decline in subscriptions. Times officials refused to comment on rumors the newspaper was considering a name change to El Nuevo York Veces.

January 16th, 1 AB

Steve McPherson, president of entertainment for ABC, has criticized the Nielson ratings in the aftermath of his programming plans falling short of expectations. McPherson alluded that he believes the ratings are inaccurate, stating that "It's not just people sitting at a single television at home. We have to get as much of that viewership measured as possible. Anything in hotels; anything in bars. I mean, there's tons of tons of television that is watched that is not counted." McPherson refused to officially elaborate, but remarked that he hoped Nielson would consider incorporating viewers watching at dentist's and doctor's offices, blood donation centers, sports eateries, and homeless shelters.

According to federal investigators, both engines are missing from a US Airways plane that crashed into the Hudson River on Friday. Divers have been dispatched in an effort to find the missing engines; sonar is also being utilized. In a completely unrelated story, 18 year old Donald Darko was crushed to death by an airplane engine that fell through his home in Virginia.

Meanwhile, the plane, which early reports indicate was crashed after flying into a flock of geese, is being pointed to as another case of Mother Nature fighting back against pollution.

January 7th, 1 AB

The Academy Of Americas elementary school in Detroit, Michigan is seeking donations so that it can purchase toilet paper and light bulbs. The school is having trouble finding money to purchase these items in the midst of the district's $400 million budget deficit. The school's principal, Naomi Khalil, was unable to account for the extreme deficit, but admitted that agreeing to take care of the Detroit Tigers 2009 payroll was not the best decision.

A dogsled race held in Frazee, Minnesota has been canceled due to high amounts of snowfall. According to race officials, the fluffy consistency of the snow makes the course impossible to keep groomed, and that along with the drifting creates a dangerous environment for the dog. A call was placed to former vice president and environmental activist Al Gore to ask to borrow some global warming, but was unreturned.

According to the Chicago Public Schools Office Of Inspector General, bureaucrats within the school administration avoided competitive bidding rules in order to buy thirty cappuccino and expresso machines. According to Inspector General James Sullivan, "We also look at it as a waste of money because the schools didn't even know they were getting the equipment, schools didn't know how to use the machines and weren't prepared to implement them into the curriculum." Answering this question of curriculum, an unnamed school official claimed plans were in place to introduce a new mandatory course: Advanced Pre-Calculus And Mixing The Perfect Expresso.

Meanwhile, the Academy For Americas elementary school has also announced that, in addition to donations for purchasing toilet paper and light bulbs, the school will also seek donations to buy new cappuccino machines.

January 4th, 1 AB

New Mexico governor Bill Richardson has withdrawn from consideration for the position of Secretary Of Commerce in president-elect Barack Obama's cabinet due to an investigation into how donors to Richardson earned a state contract; a California company that contributed money to Richardson was recently awarded a transportation contract from the state in excess of $1 million. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, under investigation for allegedly trying to sell the vacated Senate seat of the president-elect, announced his displeasure, stating that if these investigations are allowed to continue, "the cabinet will be left bare."

Former president George H.W. Bush has said he would like to see his son, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, one day become president. Current president George W. Bush, son of former president Bush and brother to Jeb, refused to comment on his father's statements, saying only, "That makes one of us."

Industry analysts have announced that box office receipts for the 2008 year are down four percent from 2007. While lower than the previous year, the downturn seen in the film industry is far less than those seen in other facets of the economy. Warner Brothers, behind the $500 million domestic gross of The Dark Knight, led the way with a revenue of $1.77 billion, the most ever for any studio. In an effort to become more competitive, rival studio Sony Pictures announced it had signed Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan to helm the next installment in the Spider-Man series, which will star Christian Bale as Spider-Man and the corpse of Heath Ledger as an as-yet-unnamed villain.

January 3rd, 1 AB

We at Life After Obama would like to apologize for the delay in posting. LAO satellites were temporarily out-of-action thanks to interference from alien ships hovering just outside Earth's atmosphere.

The new leader of the European Union and president of the Czech Republic, Vaclav Klaus, has stated he believes climate change is a dangerous myth. He also compared the EU to a Communist state. Opponents of President Klaus have been vocal, believing the president will soon learn that in Soviet Russia, climate changes you.

Wilderness Battlefield, the site of a major Civil War battle, is targeted to be the new location of a Wal-Mart supercenter. Several historians, including documentary filmmaker Ken Burns have sent letters to Wal-Mart's CEO urging the company to build elsewhere. In an effort to avoid being undercut by competition, Costco has announced plans to build a store across the street from Gettysburg's Little Big Top.

In Elizabeth, New Jersey, a firefighter was killed when he was accidentally run over by his firetruck. 19 year old Emilio Vasquez was arrested on charges of setting the fire the truck was responding to. Officials have yet to say whether "irony" will be charged with the fireman's murder.

In another instance of Mother Nature fighting back against those who seek to harm her, a car in North Hampton, New Hampshire was damaged when it was struck by a discarded Christmas tree. Officials are investigating a similar story in which a man was apparently strangled to death by a holiday wreath.