January 31st, 1 AB

This coming Monday schools in Pittsburgh will operate on a two hour delay due to the SuperBowl, according to superintendent Mark Roosevelt. The decision was made to open the schools late based on the assumption that students and staff will be up late watching the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl. In a related story, in the event the Arizona Cardinals defeat the Steelers, the school's dress code will be changed to mandatory all-black clothing in a show of mourning.

A photo of Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps has surfaced showing the athelete apparently smoking marijuana from a bong. Phelps has not responded to the accusations, but an unnamed source says he feels more at home around water (or water bongs).

Scientists have used preserved DNA from a Pyrenean ibex to clone the now-extinct animal. Unfortunately, the animal died shortly after birth due to fatal defects in the lungs. Officials have been quiet about the next extinct animals to be cloned, but scientists have been seen meeting with John Hammond.


Vaclav Klaus, president of the Czech Republic, announced he does not believe there is global warming. "I don't think that there is any global warming," he said. "I don't see the statistical data for that." He went on to criticize former vice president and environmental activist Al Gore, saying he was "very sorry that some people like Al Gore are not ready to listen to the competing theories." Al Gore refused to comment on the situation, but did recently cancel a planned trip to the Czech Republic, citing what he believed would be a "cold" reception.