January 7th, 1 AB

The Academy Of Americas elementary school in Detroit, Michigan is seeking donations so that it can purchase toilet paper and light bulbs. The school is having trouble finding money to purchase these items in the midst of the district's $400 million budget deficit. The school's principal, Naomi Khalil, was unable to account for the extreme deficit, but admitted that agreeing to take care of the Detroit Tigers 2009 payroll was not the best decision.

A dogsled race held in Frazee, Minnesota has been canceled due to high amounts of snowfall. According to race officials, the fluffy consistency of the snow makes the course impossible to keep groomed, and that along with the drifting creates a dangerous environment for the dog. A call was placed to former vice president and environmental activist Al Gore to ask to borrow some global warming, but was unreturned.

According to the Chicago Public Schools Office Of Inspector General, bureaucrats within the school administration avoided competitive bidding rules in order to buy thirty cappuccino and expresso machines. According to Inspector General James Sullivan, "We also look at it as a waste of money because the schools didn't even know they were getting the equipment, schools didn't know how to use the machines and weren't prepared to implement them into the curriculum." Answering this question of curriculum, an unnamed school official claimed plans were in place to introduce a new mandatory course: Advanced Pre-Calculus And Mixing The Perfect Expresso.

Meanwhile, the Academy For Americas elementary school has also announced that, in addition to donations for purchasing toilet paper and light bulbs, the school will also seek donations to buy new cappuccino machines.