November 23rd, 0 AB

A security guard on the grounds of the Church Of Scientology in Hollywood shot and killed a man armed with two samurai swords. A security tape shows the man arriving in a red convertible, then approaching the guard carrying a sword in each hand. The Church Of Scientology hasn't issued a formal statement, but Tom Cruise, speaking on behalf of Xenu, said he wishes the man's thetan well.


According to a report from the UK Times, president-elect Barack Obama's official limo, an armor-plated beast being built by General Motors, could suffer from having poor gas mileage. The limo is supposedly being based on a GM truck model that gets less than ten miles to the gallon. A spokesman for Obama said he expects the problem to be solved by making sure the limo's tires are properly inflated.

A man who accidentally left his cell phone containing nude photos of his wife at a McDonald's is suing the corporation. Someone apparently found the phone, because the photos have since ended up online. In an unrelated story, approximately 5000 other cell phones containing nude photos have been found in stores across the country.

November 21st, 0 AB

New York senator Hillary Clinton has agreed to accept president-elect Barack Obama's offer to serve in his administration as Secretary Of State, according to reports. Exact terms of the offer are undisclosed, but people close to the situation say Hillary was holding out for an offer to let her and former president Bill Clinton move back into the White House.

In Southern Florida, a college student killed himself by way of a drug overdose live in front of his webcam. An unknown number of viewers watched his webcam through the website bodybuilding.com. Although a site moderator was notified and contacted police, they were too late to stop the boy from killing himself. On the plus side, bodybuilding.com's ad revenue is soaring.

According to reports, when Angelina Jolie and her husband, Brad Pitt, negotiated with media outlets for pictures of their newborn child, the pair sought a deal that would have the media promise not to report news that would reflect the couple in a negative light. Upon hearing this, president George W. Bush was overheard asking how he could "get on that train."

November 19th, 0 AB

A plane en route to the United Kingdom was landed by a stewardess after the co-pilot suffered a mental breakdown while flying, airline officials said. A second stewardess suffered a wrist injury after forcibly removing the co-pilot and restraining him. Doctors were mum on the source of the pilot's breakdown, but did mention he had recently purchased the new AC/DC album.

The mayor of Rexburg, Idaho has officially apologized after second and third grade students in his municipality were heard to have chanted "assassinate Obama" on their school bus after Barack Obama was elected the next president of the United States. The students, who live in what some have called the "reddest county in America," refused to apoligize, stating that they were only reading the teleprompter.

The Associated Press has apologized for a misleading headline for one of its stories. AP wished to clarify that the "tool bag" in the story "Lost tool bag forces changes to planned spacewalks" was an actual bag of tools, not Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich.


The UK Sun is confirming 60 year old rumors that Adolph Hitler had only one testicle. According to the report, the former Nazi party leader discovered his right testicle was sympathetic to the Jewish cause and had it exterminated.

November 12th, 0 AB

Police report that Paula Goodspeed, who was at one time a contestant on American Idol during the show's fifth season, was found dead in her car (just outside Paula Abdul's home) from what appears to be an intentional drug overdose. First-responding officers were said to be initially baffled, as this wasn't the first time they'd found someone named Paula unconscious in a car outside the home.

In shipping news, pirates off the coast of Somalia were fired upon (and some reportedly killed) by ships belonging to the British Royal Navy. Following the shootout, the pirates surrendered quietly and were boarded. Officials from the East India Trading Company could not be reached for comment, but a statement from Davy Jones is expected.

Scientists have created the first humanoid robot capable of mimicking the facial movements of a human being. The robot, named "Jules," uses an embedded video camera to record and recreate facial expressions and lip movements it "sees." Jules' creators refused to either confirm or deny reports that, upon first being activated, the robot asked for directions to Sarah Connor's place.


Alaska governor Sarah Palin has said that she believes it would be good for Republicans to have a female on their presidential ticket. In a related story, governor Palin's handlers have kept her away from all the newspapers she regularly reads in an effort to keep her unaware of the results of the recent presidential election.

In international news, an Israeli soldier has been given a three-week prison sentence for yawning while attending a ceremony marking the 1995 assassination of prime minister Yitzhak Rabin. The soldier's mother told Israeli public radio she was informed by her son's commanding officer that the yawn was considered an act of disrespect. Two other soldiers were given prison sentences of three months and life inprisonment for belching without saying "excuse me" and for farting, respectively.

November 9th, 0 AB

According to the National Herald Tribune, the election of Barack Obama as the next president of the United States has created a dramatic increase in the popularity of the names Barack, Obama, Michelle, Malia, and Sasha. Naming experts are unsure about why president-elect Obama's middle name, Hussein, is failing to catch on.

The same experts are also unsure whether or not the recent election has had any real effect on naming, citing popularity of John, Sidney, Sarah, and Cindy, names associated with the presidential runner-up.

The Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City is looking at instituting tolls for all cars passing over East River bridges. In an unrelated story, sales of the Tumbler (better known as the Batmobile from the blockbuster films Batman Begins and The Dark Knight), known for its ability to jump over obstacles, have skyrocketed.


Deborah Howell, the ombudsman for the Washington Times announced that the paper's election coverage was unfairly skewed toward Barack Obama and apologized for the discrepancy. In other news, the sun rose in the east and set in the west.

The Russian navy announced that an accident aboard a nuclear submarine killed 20 people. When asked for comment, the year 1980 said it would like its news stories back.

November 6th, 0 AB

Today scientists from Columbia University announced findings that a certain type of rock, peridotite, has been found to turn carbon dioxide into minerals such as calcium, suggesting that it may be possible to use the rock to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Unfortunately for those scientists, trees remain much easier to grow than rocks.

The worldwide celebration of the election of Barack Obama as next United States president continued, with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi describing Obama as "young, handsome, and even tanned." Berlosconi went on to praise Obama for going with a natural tan, as opposed to the "Hulk Hogan" look.


Stocks tumbled again today, the second straight day of decline following Barack Obama's election, in the biggest two day fall in 21 years. Experts say this drop has little to do with Barack Obama himself, instead pointing to words of support given to Obama by lame duck president George W. Bush; some investors had their confidence in Obama shaken by this apparent endorsement by Bush.

Elsewhere in the world, a report emerged stating that Russian president Dmitiri Medvedev could step down from his position sometime in the next year, paving the way for former president Vladimir Putin to return to power. In a statement from Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, executives expressed displeasure that the plot of the newest James Bond film would be leaked this soon before its release.

It was announced today that former New York governor Eliot Spitzer would face no criminal charges stemming from the investigation in his hiring of several high-class prostitutes. Officials went further, indicating that Spitzer may have been wrongly accused, and announcing a new person-of-interest in the investigation: Charlie Sheen.

In entertainment news, comedians are preparing to shift their focus from president George W. Bush to president-elect Barack Obama. Political cartoonist Ted Rall explained that "making fun of George Bush is so easy; it's just kindergarten stuff." Rall went on to explain his frustrations with trying to keep from coloring outside the lines. Comedian Roseanne Barr commented that Obama's presidency would "raise the intelligence of the jokes." Pressed further, Barr explained she hoped intelligence would be raised to the point that time travel was invented, allowing her to travel back to a time when she was relevent.

November 5th, 0 AB

Yesterday our country voted. The people have spoken. Barack Obama has been elected the first black President of the United States in 16 years. It truly is a monumental day.

Continuing his trend and promise of bringing change to the country, Obama has quickly begun adding to his staff of fresh-faced newcomers (which already includes vice-president elect Joe Biden, a man who has been ushering change for the last 35 years).

The president-elect has targeted Rham Emanuel, known for the change he's brought ever since serving as a policy advisor within the Clinton White House. Emanuel released a statement neither confirming nor denying this report, stating only "we're gonna party like it's 1992."

This most recent choice will undoubtably bring new ideas and opinions to the forefront.

Meanwhile, various world leaders praised the United States' choice and embraced president-elect Obama, including Russian president Dmitri Medvedev. President Medvedev celebrated Obama's election by stationing missiles along borders of NATO countries. Though Medvedev neglected to mention Obama by name, he frequently mentioned the president-elect as "that one" while jerking his thumb in the general direction of the United States. Medvedev also neglected to mention whether the newly-placed missiles would hold nuclear warheads, saying only "there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight."

Widespread celebration of Obama's elections even reached Wall Street, where investors were excited to the point of distraction as the stock market unintentionally dropped nearly 500 points.