November 12th, 0 AB

Police report that Paula Goodspeed, who was at one time a contestant on American Idol during the show's fifth season, was found dead in her car (just outside Paula Abdul's home) from what appears to be an intentional drug overdose. First-responding officers were said to be initially baffled, as this wasn't the first time they'd found someone named Paula unconscious in a car outside the home.

In shipping news, pirates off the coast of Somalia were fired upon (and some reportedly killed) by ships belonging to the British Royal Navy. Following the shootout, the pirates surrendered quietly and were boarded. Officials from the East India Trading Company could not be reached for comment, but a statement from Davy Jones is expected.

Scientists have created the first humanoid robot capable of mimicking the facial movements of a human being. The robot, named "Jules," uses an embedded video camera to record and recreate facial expressions and lip movements it "sees." Jules' creators refused to either confirm or deny reports that, upon first being activated, the robot asked for directions to Sarah Connor's place.


Alaska governor Sarah Palin has said that she believes it would be good for Republicans to have a female on their presidential ticket. In a related story, governor Palin's handlers have kept her away from all the newspapers she regularly reads in an effort to keep her unaware of the results of the recent presidential election.

In international news, an Israeli soldier has been given a three-week prison sentence for yawning while attending a ceremony marking the 1995 assassination of prime minister Yitzhak Rabin. The soldier's mother told Israeli public radio she was informed by her son's commanding officer that the yawn was considered an act of disrespect. Two other soldiers were given prison sentences of three months and life inprisonment for belching without saying "excuse me" and for farting, respectively.