April 25th, 1 AB: Special NFL Draft Edition

We're forgoing our usual news to bring you a commentary on the 1st and 2nd rounds of the 2009 NFL Draft.

#1 Detroit Lions select Matthew Stafford, Quarterback, Georgia
They've done it again. The Detroit Lions, the butt of jokes after every draft for the last several years thanks to the idiocy of former general manager Matt Millen, continue to draft like he's still running the organization. The reasoning behind taking Stafford is that 1) He's got a rocket arm, and 2) The Lions need a quarterback. To that I say 1) JaMarcus Russell can throw the ball 80 yards from his knees and he still sucks, and 2) The list of Lions positional needs is just a list of professional football positions.

Here are just three of the reasons why Matt Stafford was an awful pick:
1. The Lions have no offensive line. "But, but, Georgia's offensive line wasn't any good either!" The University Of Georgia has a better offensive line than the Detroit Lions. Jeff Backus will be protecting his blind side. Jeff Backus be third string in Denver. Stafford may be able to "make all the throws," but they don't count as completions if he makes them laying on his back. He will be sacked 70 times this year. If you'd like to see what that does to a quarterback, ask David Carr.

2. The Lions cannot run the ball. See point #1.

3. Last season, the Lions had the second worst defense ever. That's "ever," as in, in the entire history of the NFL. They gave up over 400 yards per game. Obviously, the best way to address defensive woes is to draft a quarterback.

#2 St. Louis Rams select Jason Smith, Tackle, Baylor
You need to revamp the offensive line to try and keep Marc Bulger on his feet for more than four plays a game. Good pick.

#3 Kansas City Chiefs select Tyson Jackson, Defensive End, Louisiana State
In a blatant attempt to out-stupid the Lions, the Chiefs ignore the fact that Aaron Curry is twiddling his thumbs (even though he should've been the first overall pick) and instead take the kid from LSU. Unless he can whip up a mean shrimp gumbo, this is an awful pick.

#4 Seattle Seahawks select Aaron Curry, Linebacker, Wake Forest
Seattle makes a successful pick by simply not overthinking the situation. This reminds me of my fantasy football league last year, when I got the highest-ranked player overall (Adrian Peterson) at the #4 spot because the three guys who drafted ahead of me were idiots.

#5 New York Jets (from Cleveland) select Matt Sanchez, Quarterback, Southern California
The Jets make a fantastic move to trade up and take the best quarterback in the draft (look at that, another reason the Lions messed up) to fill a spot that will be left vacant when Brett Favre finally retires. Of course, it's all moot if they can't get rid of Favre and Sanchez has to sit on the bench for four years watching (a la Aaron Rodgers). NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that Mr. Favre is allegedly retired. That makes this pick that much better.

#6 Cincinatti Bengals select Andre Smith, Tackle, Alabama
This choice was made, apparently, because the Bungles didn't think they had enough headcases or potential criminals on the team.

#7 Oakland Raiders select Darrius Heyward-Bey, Receiver, Maryland
Al Davis solidifies the fact that he's batshit crazy by reaching nearly an entire round to select a receiver while at least two better ones (Jeremy Maclin and Michael Crabtree) are staring right at you.

#8 Jacksonville Jaguars select Eugene Monroe, Tackle, Virginia
Another team with offensive line issues takes an offensive lineman. Imagine that. Maurice Jones-Drew approves.

#9 Green Bay Packers select B.J. Raji, Defensive Tackle, Boston College
Just a solid pick. Good value at #9, too.

#10 San Francisco 49ers select Michael Crabtree, Receiver, Texas Tech
When your best receiver is the 56 year old Isaac Bruce (seriously, the guy played for the Los Angeles Rams), you know you've got some issues. Good pick.

#11 Buffalo Bills select Aaron Maybin, Defensive End, Penn State
One time I had a class with a basketball player that was friends with this guy.

#12 Denver Broncos select Knowshon Moreno, Running Back, Georgia
I could've swore that Mike Shanahan was fired. Instead of addressing a myriad of other needs, Shanahan's ghost cons the organization into taking ANOTHER running back. Correll Buckhalter, Lamont Jordan, J.J. Arrington, Selvin Young, and Ryan Torain say hello.

#13 Washington Redskins select Brian Orakpo, Defensive End, Texas
The Redskins get lucky and make the right choice as Orakpo falls to them.

#14 New Orleans Saints select Malcolm Jenkins, Cornerback, Ohio State
This is how you address defensive needs. Jenkins should anchor the Saints defensive backfield for years to come.

#15 Houston Texans select Brian Cushing, Linebacker, Southern Calfornia
The best USC linebacker isn't the first USC linebacker taken. Go figure.

#16 San Diego Chargers select Larry English, Defensive End, Northern Illinois
Doesn't San Diego already have some of the best linebackers in the game? Even if they are juiced up?

#17 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (from Cleveland) select Josh Freeman, Quarterback, Kansas State
Tampa takes a quarterback, to go along with the five or so they already have, in an apparent attempt to defect from the NFL and join Major League Baseball, using their QB squad as a pitching rotation.

#18 Denver Broncos select Robert Ayers, Linebacker, Tennessee
Selecting a defensive player with this second first round pick makes their first selection slightly easier to swallow. But only slightly.

#19 Philadelphia Eagles (from Cleveland) select Jeremy Maclin, Receiver, Missouri
Giving Donovan McNabb another weapon to go along with speedster DeSean Jackson is a fantastic idea. Great pick.

#20 Detroit Lions select Brandon Pettigrew, Tight End, Oklahoma State
For any team other than the Detroit Lions, taking Pettigrew at #20 would be a fantastic move. Unfortunately, he was, in fact, taken by the Lions. There are so many other needs (offensive line, any defensive position) that it is impossible to justify this pick.

#21 Cleveland Browns select Alex Mack, Center, California
The Browns decide to quit trading down and finally make a selection. It's hard to fault them for going offensive line, even if they did choose a guy named after the female lead character from a children's TV show that was on Nickelodeon fifteen years ago.

#22 Minnesota Vikings select Percy Harvin, Receiver, Florida
Tough call. This will either be a great pick, with Harvin running past the NFC North for years to come, or he'll be broken in half the first time Brian Urlacher gets his hands on him.

#23 Baltimore Ravens (from New England) select Michael Oher, Tackle, Mississippi
The Ravens know what makes a winning team: good lines and a solid defense. They continue their recipe for success with this pick.

#24 Atlanta Falcons select Peria Jerry, Defensive Tackle, Mississippi
Lions, take note: look at the Falcons to see how to develop a team. Shore up the lines, get a solid running back, THEN grab a quarterback. Then give him more weapons and continue shoring up the lines. Also, don't employ Michael Vick.

#25 Miami Dolphins select Vontae Davis, Cornerback, Illinois
Can't argue with the pick.

#26 Green Bay Packers (from New England) select Clay Matthews, Linebacker, Southern California
The best USC linebacker is still sitting around while he watches another fellow LB get drafted. Startling.

#27 Indianapolis Colts select Donald Brown, Running Back, Connecticut
The Colts man be onto something; he could be a nice 1-2 punch with Joseph Addai.

#28 Buffalo Bills select Eric Wood, Center, Louisville
Again, a team that needs offensive linemen takes an offensive lineman.

#29 New York Giants select Hakeem Nicks, Receiver, North Carolina
Rather than trade for Braylon Edwards, the Giants look to the draft for their receiver needs. But where does this leave Butterfingers and the Browns?

#30 Tennessee Titans select Kenny Britt, Receiver, Rutgers
Quick, name some Titans receivers! Couldn't do it, could you? Well, now they have one.

#31 Arizona Cardinals select Chris Wells, Running Back, Ohio State
A potentially fabulous pick for the Cardinals. If he can stay healthy, Wells will be a fantastic complement to Tim Hightower, and could potentially supplant him as the #1 back.

#32 Pittsburgh Steelers select Evander Hood, Defensive Tackle, Missouri
A super-scary defense gets a little bit scarier.

April 18th, 1 AB

A mystery illness is striking students in parts of New York state. The illness, which has not yet been identified, exhibits flu-like symptoms. Reports of the sickness have been taken seriously everywhere except in Amityville, where it is believed the mystery illness is really an elaborate hoax designed to sell books.


After the results of numerous court challenges and recounts, comedian and political commentator Al Franken has been officially named United States senator from Minnesota, narrowly defeating Norm Coleman. In a completely unrelated story, Minnesota no longer has any credibility.

The "golden arches" sign from a McDonald's restaurant in Window Rock, Arizona, fell and crushed an SUV, injuring the couple inside. The collapse of the sign was blamed on recent high winds, and McDonald's officials said there was no blame to be found within the organization. However, the fast food chain refused to comment on a report that another couple was held hostage for fourteen hours by Ronald McDonald.

According to a report out of Washington, D.C., Chinese spies have infiltrated the United States at startling levels. Their infiltration may be so deep, in fact, that there is a possibility spies have planted chips onboard US planes. Sources inside the Obama administration said the president was initially unconcerned about the report, but was then informed that it referred to "spy chips" rather than "chip chips."

April 1st, 1 AB

On the heels of the removal of General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner by the Obama administration, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said in an interview with Katie Couric for CBS News that he wouldn't rule out the possibility of removing other executives. In an unrelated story, in an unprecented move UAW president Ron Gettelfinger has begun actively campaigning for the position of Ford CEO.

According to reports, during a joint press conference with president Barry Obama and UK prime minister Gordon Brown, Obama made a slight wisecrack that caused Brown to laugh for approximately thirty seconds. Upon reviewing the tape, Obama announced he would be appearing at the Chicago-based Groundlings comedy club two weekends toward the end of April.

General Motors has asked the United States government for $2.6 billion worth of loans to aid development of hybrids. Protests broke out immediately, but were quelled after GM clarified that they wished to build "hybrid vehicles" and not "cybernetic organisms."

March 21st, 1 AB

We at Life After Obama would like to apologize for the lack of updates. A group of drunk sorority girls on spring break broke into LAO headquarters and damaged our servers. We appreciate your patience and cooperation during this trying time.

Legal experts are saying efforts by Congress to retroactively tax bonuses paid to AIG executives would most like hold up in court. Some Republicans, such as New Hampshire senator Judd Gregg have stated a belief that the tax would be unconstitutional, citing a constitutional prohibition against ex post facto laws. AIG executives, meanwhile, utilized their own Latin phrases, hoping for a deus ex machina.

According to a federal report, nearly all of the bird species native to the state of Hawaii are in danger of becoming extinct. Officials cite diseases and destruction of habitat as main causes. In an unrelated story, cereal officals would not comment on rumors that Toucan Sam has become extinct after following his nose to an overdose of cocaine.


The European Union is resisting calls from the United States to follow its example and increase spending. In a statement, the EU stated it wished to do things its way. The statement was quickly followed by a one-line statement from the US: "C'mon, everyone else is doing it."

Democratic Senate majority leader Harry Reid has sent President Barack Obama a letter requesting elaboration on a prohibition in the new stimulus package that would seemingly prevent casinos from seeking bailouts. In an unrelated story, Las Vegas casino MGM Grand has sent a letter to President Obama inviting him to come and play their new Trillion Dollar Slots.

February 23rd, 1 AB

After falling 251 points in Monday trading, the Dow-Jones Industrial Average has dropped to its 1997 level. In a completely unrelated story, Hollywood has also regressed back to 1997, with Paramount, Sony, and Universal re-releasing hits of the year, including Titanic, Men In Black, and The Lost World: Jurassic Park.


Senator Jim Bunning has apologized for an earlier remark in which he stated Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months. "I apologize if my comments offended Justice Ginsberg," he said. "I hope she recovers quickly." He also qualified his earlier statement, saying he had seen her dancing skills and confused her with Patrick Swayze.


Reports say President Barack Obama will likely name former Washington governor Gary Locke to the position of Commerce Secretary, his third selection after New Mexico governor Bill Richardson and senator from New Jersey Judd Gregg withdrew from consideration. The same reports also say Obama is taking notes from recent history and is currently searching for his fourth nominee for the job.

According to reports, 2008 Academy Award winner for Best Picture Slumdog Millionaire nearly went straight to DVD, due to Warner Brothers' cutbacks in independent film funding. In an unrelated story, Warner Brothers also announced it will be considering releasing upcoming Terminator: Salvation direct to DVD and pushing for star Christian Bale for Best Actor.

February 21st, 1 AB

In creating his first budget as president, Barack Obama has put together a plan to cut the federal budget deficit by over 50% over the next four years. His plan is said to include reduced defense spending, as well as increased taxes for businesses and the wealthy. When asked about the plans, Obama was heard to exclaim, "What? You're really not that surprised, are you?"

A fifteen year old girl called the police to turn in her mother for smoking pot. When asked why she chose to do this, the girl replied, "Why should she get to do it if I can't?" The mother also expressed dismay, saying she wished her child was Michael Phelps.

The major of Chicago has announced a plan to install surveillance cameras on every street corner in the city by 2016. The measure was announced with the intention of providing safety for the Olympic games, to be played in the city in 2016. However, another benefit of the cameras has been found: catching aspiring governors and senate appointments from Illinois in the act.

February 15th, 0 AB

Leonard Abess, Jr., who recently sold his majority ownership of City National Bancshares, distributed bonuses totaling $60 million to 399 current employees of the bank, as well as 72 former employees. Unfortunately, all 471 beneficiaries now fall under a newly-instituted windfall profits tax.

Former senator and astronaut Harrison Schmitt announced he does not believe humans are the cause of global warming. "I don't think the human effect is significant compared to the natural effect," he said. He also indicated he believes skeptics are being intimidated into silence. Schmitt will be speaking next month at the International Conference On Climate Change. The last man to walk on the moon will also be performing in a one-man show entitled Who I Met On The Moon And What They Told Me To Say About Global Warming.

According to a Dutch study, a well-known blood pressure pill could help block patients' bad memories. Experts say the pill could be used to treat those suffering from anxiety disorders and certain phobias. A former United States president was among the test subjects, but officials refused to name which one, stating only, "He completely forgot having married Hillary."

An earthquake has rattled central New Jersey for the second time in two weeks. Although residents expressed little concern over the quakes, a nationwide poll shows that "earthquakes" has become the number one answer to the question "Why won't you live in New Jersey," supplanting former number one answer "the smell."

Dr. Alan Boss, who serves at the Carnegie Institute Of Science, has told the American Association For The Advancement Of Science that, based upon current observations, he estimates there could be as many as 100 billion planets similar to Earth in the Milky Way galaxy. Boss went on to reassure the conference that, even with these figures, he estimates there is only one Al Franken.

February 5th, 1 AB

According to Elizabeth Warren, who chairs the Congressional oversight panel responsible for overseeing the federal bailout, the government overpaid for the bank stocks it acquired as part of the bailout. She stated the government paid $254 billion for assets totaling only $176 billion. In an unrelated story, the Senate worked through their lunch hour on the bill outlining a stimulus package. In order to satiate hunger, an order was placed for $1000 worth of pizza; upon delivery, the driver was paid in cash and given a $1 million tip.

At a technology conference in California, Microsoft founder Bill Gates unleashed a swarm of mosquitoes upon the audience to prove a point about the spread of malaria. "There's no reason only poor people should get malaria," Gates said. As if this wasn't enough, Gates then pressed a button that dropped the entire crowd into a tank of shark-infested water, stating "there's no reason only surfers should be eaten by sharks."


In the midst of the release of a photo showing Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps smoking marijuana, Kellogg has announced it will drop its endorsement deal with Phelps. The announcement was seen as a surprise, as Kellogg brand cereals have long been a favorite of potheads suffering from the munchies.

Buffalo State College in New York recently hosted a national teach-in on Global Warming Situations. However, the day of the teach-in saw temperatures in Buffalo drop to six degrees below zero. The meeting has come under fire for not presenting a logical explanation for the Global Warming Situation in which a global warming conference is held in sub-zero temperatures.

January 31st, 1 AB

This coming Monday schools in Pittsburgh will operate on a two hour delay due to the SuperBowl, according to superintendent Mark Roosevelt. The decision was made to open the schools late based on the assumption that students and staff will be up late watching the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl. In a related story, in the event the Arizona Cardinals defeat the Steelers, the school's dress code will be changed to mandatory all-black clothing in a show of mourning.

A photo of Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps has surfaced showing the athelete apparently smoking marijuana from a bong. Phelps has not responded to the accusations, but an unnamed source says he feels more at home around water (or water bongs).

Scientists have used preserved DNA from a Pyrenean ibex to clone the now-extinct animal. Unfortunately, the animal died shortly after birth due to fatal defects in the lungs. Officials have been quiet about the next extinct animals to be cloned, but scientists have been seen meeting with John Hammond.


Vaclav Klaus, president of the Czech Republic, announced he does not believe there is global warming. "I don't think that there is any global warming," he said. "I don't see the statistical data for that." He went on to criticize former vice president and environmental activist Al Gore, saying he was "very sorry that some people like Al Gore are not ready to listen to the competing theories." Al Gore refused to comment on the situation, but did recently cancel a planned trip to the Czech Republic, citing what he believed would be a "cold" reception.

January 21st, 1 AB

We at Life After Obama would like to celebrate the events that occurred yesterday as part of what many consider to be an "historic" day in the history of the United States. However, this would not be in line with LAO's dream of a colorblind society; as such, we will not mention the inauguration of Barack Obama as the nation's first black president in sixteen years.

Caroline Kennedy has withdrawn her name from consideration to replace departing New York senator Hillary Clinton. Kennedy made the decision after learning she was not going to be chosen by New York governor David Patterson to succeed senator Clinton. In an unrelated story, the New England Patriots have withdrawn from consideration for a place in the Super Bowl after finding out they did not make the playoffs.

According to the Global Language Monitor, president Obama's inauguration was covered 35 times more than president George W. Bush's inauguration in 2005. The most recent inauguration inspired about 35,000 news stories, compared to a mere 1000 for Bush's inauguration. Upon hearing the news, Republicans in Congress hastily drew up a bill aiming to elminate the national debt by charging a tax of $285 million for each Obama story printed.

After a mistake-filled oath of office was administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, President Obama was re-administered the oath by Justice Roberts today. "We decided it was so much fun," joked Obama. So much fun, in fact, that sources say Roberts was presented with a special pager so that he can be called at a moment's notice to again administer the oath whenever the mood strikes.

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim has invested $250 million into the New York Times, which has recently been suffering from a decline in subscriptions. Times officials refused to comment on rumors the newspaper was considering a name change to El Nuevo York Veces.

January 16th, 1 AB

Steve McPherson, president of entertainment for ABC, has criticized the Nielson ratings in the aftermath of his programming plans falling short of expectations. McPherson alluded that he believes the ratings are inaccurate, stating that "It's not just people sitting at a single television at home. We have to get as much of that viewership measured as possible. Anything in hotels; anything in bars. I mean, there's tons of tons of television that is watched that is not counted." McPherson refused to officially elaborate, but remarked that he hoped Nielson would consider incorporating viewers watching at dentist's and doctor's offices, blood donation centers, sports eateries, and homeless shelters.

According to federal investigators, both engines are missing from a US Airways plane that crashed into the Hudson River on Friday. Divers have been dispatched in an effort to find the missing engines; sonar is also being utilized. In a completely unrelated story, 18 year old Donald Darko was crushed to death by an airplane engine that fell through his home in Virginia.

Meanwhile, the plane, which early reports indicate was crashed after flying into a flock of geese, is being pointed to as another case of Mother Nature fighting back against pollution.

January 7th, 1 AB

The Academy Of Americas elementary school in Detroit, Michigan is seeking donations so that it can purchase toilet paper and light bulbs. The school is having trouble finding money to purchase these items in the midst of the district's $400 million budget deficit. The school's principal, Naomi Khalil, was unable to account for the extreme deficit, but admitted that agreeing to take care of the Detroit Tigers 2009 payroll was not the best decision.

A dogsled race held in Frazee, Minnesota has been canceled due to high amounts of snowfall. According to race officials, the fluffy consistency of the snow makes the course impossible to keep groomed, and that along with the drifting creates a dangerous environment for the dog. A call was placed to former vice president and environmental activist Al Gore to ask to borrow some global warming, but was unreturned.

According to the Chicago Public Schools Office Of Inspector General, bureaucrats within the school administration avoided competitive bidding rules in order to buy thirty cappuccino and expresso machines. According to Inspector General James Sullivan, "We also look at it as a waste of money because the schools didn't even know they were getting the equipment, schools didn't know how to use the machines and weren't prepared to implement them into the curriculum." Answering this question of curriculum, an unnamed school official claimed plans were in place to introduce a new mandatory course: Advanced Pre-Calculus And Mixing The Perfect Expresso.

Meanwhile, the Academy For Americas elementary school has also announced that, in addition to donations for purchasing toilet paper and light bulbs, the school will also seek donations to buy new cappuccino machines.

January 4th, 1 AB

New Mexico governor Bill Richardson has withdrawn from consideration for the position of Secretary Of Commerce in president-elect Barack Obama's cabinet due to an investigation into how donors to Richardson earned a state contract; a California company that contributed money to Richardson was recently awarded a transportation contract from the state in excess of $1 million. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, under investigation for allegedly trying to sell the vacated Senate seat of the president-elect, announced his displeasure, stating that if these investigations are allowed to continue, "the cabinet will be left bare."

Former president George H.W. Bush has said he would like to see his son, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, one day become president. Current president George W. Bush, son of former president Bush and brother to Jeb, refused to comment on his father's statements, saying only, "That makes one of us."

Industry analysts have announced that box office receipts for the 2008 year are down four percent from 2007. While lower than the previous year, the downturn seen in the film industry is far less than those seen in other facets of the economy. Warner Brothers, behind the $500 million domestic gross of The Dark Knight, led the way with a revenue of $1.77 billion, the most ever for any studio. In an effort to become more competitive, rival studio Sony Pictures announced it had signed Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan to helm the next installment in the Spider-Man series, which will star Christian Bale as Spider-Man and the corpse of Heath Ledger as an as-yet-unnamed villain.

January 3rd, 1 AB

We at Life After Obama would like to apologize for the delay in posting. LAO satellites were temporarily out-of-action thanks to interference from alien ships hovering just outside Earth's atmosphere.

The new leader of the European Union and president of the Czech Republic, Vaclav Klaus, has stated he believes climate change is a dangerous myth. He also compared the EU to a Communist state. Opponents of President Klaus have been vocal, believing the president will soon learn that in Soviet Russia, climate changes you.

Wilderness Battlefield, the site of a major Civil War battle, is targeted to be the new location of a Wal-Mart supercenter. Several historians, including documentary filmmaker Ken Burns have sent letters to Wal-Mart's CEO urging the company to build elsewhere. In an effort to avoid being undercut by competition, Costco has announced plans to build a store across the street from Gettysburg's Little Big Top.

In Elizabeth, New Jersey, a firefighter was killed when he was accidentally run over by his firetruck. 19 year old Emilio Vasquez was arrested on charges of setting the fire the truck was responding to. Officials have yet to say whether "irony" will be charged with the fireman's murder.

In another instance of Mother Nature fighting back against those who seek to harm her, a car in North Hampton, New Hampshire was damaged when it was struck by a discarded Christmas tree. Officials are investigating a similar story in which a man was apparently strangled to death by a holiday wreath.