April 25th, 1 AB: Special NFL Draft Edition

We're forgoing our usual news to bring you a commentary on the 1st and 2nd rounds of the 2009 NFL Draft.

#1 Detroit Lions select Matthew Stafford, Quarterback, Georgia
They've done it again. The Detroit Lions, the butt of jokes after every draft for the last several years thanks to the idiocy of former general manager Matt Millen, continue to draft like he's still running the organization. The reasoning behind taking Stafford is that 1) He's got a rocket arm, and 2) The Lions need a quarterback. To that I say 1) JaMarcus Russell can throw the ball 80 yards from his knees and he still sucks, and 2) The list of Lions positional needs is just a list of professional football positions.

Here are just three of the reasons why Matt Stafford was an awful pick:
1. The Lions have no offensive line. "But, but, Georgia's offensive line wasn't any good either!" The University Of Georgia has a better offensive line than the Detroit Lions. Jeff Backus will be protecting his blind side. Jeff Backus be third string in Denver. Stafford may be able to "make all the throws," but they don't count as completions if he makes them laying on his back. He will be sacked 70 times this year. If you'd like to see what that does to a quarterback, ask David Carr.

2. The Lions cannot run the ball. See point #1.

3. Last season, the Lions had the second worst defense ever. That's "ever," as in, in the entire history of the NFL. They gave up over 400 yards per game. Obviously, the best way to address defensive woes is to draft a quarterback.

#2 St. Louis Rams select Jason Smith, Tackle, Baylor
You need to revamp the offensive line to try and keep Marc Bulger on his feet for more than four plays a game. Good pick.

#3 Kansas City Chiefs select Tyson Jackson, Defensive End, Louisiana State
In a blatant attempt to out-stupid the Lions, the Chiefs ignore the fact that Aaron Curry is twiddling his thumbs (even though he should've been the first overall pick) and instead take the kid from LSU. Unless he can whip up a mean shrimp gumbo, this is an awful pick.

#4 Seattle Seahawks select Aaron Curry, Linebacker, Wake Forest
Seattle makes a successful pick by simply not overthinking the situation. This reminds me of my fantasy football league last year, when I got the highest-ranked player overall (Adrian Peterson) at the #4 spot because the three guys who drafted ahead of me were idiots.

#5 New York Jets (from Cleveland) select Matt Sanchez, Quarterback, Southern California
The Jets make a fantastic move to trade up and take the best quarterback in the draft (look at that, another reason the Lions messed up) to fill a spot that will be left vacant when Brett Favre finally retires. Of course, it's all moot if they can't get rid of Favre and Sanchez has to sit on the bench for four years watching (a la Aaron Rodgers). NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that Mr. Favre is allegedly retired. That makes this pick that much better.

#6 Cincinatti Bengals select Andre Smith, Tackle, Alabama
This choice was made, apparently, because the Bungles didn't think they had enough headcases or potential criminals on the team.

#7 Oakland Raiders select Darrius Heyward-Bey, Receiver, Maryland
Al Davis solidifies the fact that he's batshit crazy by reaching nearly an entire round to select a receiver while at least two better ones (Jeremy Maclin and Michael Crabtree) are staring right at you.

#8 Jacksonville Jaguars select Eugene Monroe, Tackle, Virginia
Another team with offensive line issues takes an offensive lineman. Imagine that. Maurice Jones-Drew approves.

#9 Green Bay Packers select B.J. Raji, Defensive Tackle, Boston College
Just a solid pick. Good value at #9, too.

#10 San Francisco 49ers select Michael Crabtree, Receiver, Texas Tech
When your best receiver is the 56 year old Isaac Bruce (seriously, the guy played for the Los Angeles Rams), you know you've got some issues. Good pick.

#11 Buffalo Bills select Aaron Maybin, Defensive End, Penn State
One time I had a class with a basketball player that was friends with this guy.

#12 Denver Broncos select Knowshon Moreno, Running Back, Georgia
I could've swore that Mike Shanahan was fired. Instead of addressing a myriad of other needs, Shanahan's ghost cons the organization into taking ANOTHER running back. Correll Buckhalter, Lamont Jordan, J.J. Arrington, Selvin Young, and Ryan Torain say hello.

#13 Washington Redskins select Brian Orakpo, Defensive End, Texas
The Redskins get lucky and make the right choice as Orakpo falls to them.

#14 New Orleans Saints select Malcolm Jenkins, Cornerback, Ohio State
This is how you address defensive needs. Jenkins should anchor the Saints defensive backfield for years to come.

#15 Houston Texans select Brian Cushing, Linebacker, Southern Calfornia
The best USC linebacker isn't the first USC linebacker taken. Go figure.

#16 San Diego Chargers select Larry English, Defensive End, Northern Illinois
Doesn't San Diego already have some of the best linebackers in the game? Even if they are juiced up?

#17 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (from Cleveland) select Josh Freeman, Quarterback, Kansas State
Tampa takes a quarterback, to go along with the five or so they already have, in an apparent attempt to defect from the NFL and join Major League Baseball, using their QB squad as a pitching rotation.

#18 Denver Broncos select Robert Ayers, Linebacker, Tennessee
Selecting a defensive player with this second first round pick makes their first selection slightly easier to swallow. But only slightly.

#19 Philadelphia Eagles (from Cleveland) select Jeremy Maclin, Receiver, Missouri
Giving Donovan McNabb another weapon to go along with speedster DeSean Jackson is a fantastic idea. Great pick.

#20 Detroit Lions select Brandon Pettigrew, Tight End, Oklahoma State
For any team other than the Detroit Lions, taking Pettigrew at #20 would be a fantastic move. Unfortunately, he was, in fact, taken by the Lions. There are so many other needs (offensive line, any defensive position) that it is impossible to justify this pick.

#21 Cleveland Browns select Alex Mack, Center, California
The Browns decide to quit trading down and finally make a selection. It's hard to fault them for going offensive line, even if they did choose a guy named after the female lead character from a children's TV show that was on Nickelodeon fifteen years ago.

#22 Minnesota Vikings select Percy Harvin, Receiver, Florida
Tough call. This will either be a great pick, with Harvin running past the NFC North for years to come, or he'll be broken in half the first time Brian Urlacher gets his hands on him.

#23 Baltimore Ravens (from New England) select Michael Oher, Tackle, Mississippi
The Ravens know what makes a winning team: good lines and a solid defense. They continue their recipe for success with this pick.

#24 Atlanta Falcons select Peria Jerry, Defensive Tackle, Mississippi
Lions, take note: look at the Falcons to see how to develop a team. Shore up the lines, get a solid running back, THEN grab a quarterback. Then give him more weapons and continue shoring up the lines. Also, don't employ Michael Vick.

#25 Miami Dolphins select Vontae Davis, Cornerback, Illinois
Can't argue with the pick.

#26 Green Bay Packers (from New England) select Clay Matthews, Linebacker, Southern California
The best USC linebacker is still sitting around while he watches another fellow LB get drafted. Startling.

#27 Indianapolis Colts select Donald Brown, Running Back, Connecticut
The Colts man be onto something; he could be a nice 1-2 punch with Joseph Addai.

#28 Buffalo Bills select Eric Wood, Center, Louisville
Again, a team that needs offensive linemen takes an offensive lineman.

#29 New York Giants select Hakeem Nicks, Receiver, North Carolina
Rather than trade for Braylon Edwards, the Giants look to the draft for their receiver needs. But where does this leave Butterfingers and the Browns?

#30 Tennessee Titans select Kenny Britt, Receiver, Rutgers
Quick, name some Titans receivers! Couldn't do it, could you? Well, now they have one.

#31 Arizona Cardinals select Chris Wells, Running Back, Ohio State
A potentially fabulous pick for the Cardinals. If he can stay healthy, Wells will be a fantastic complement to Tim Hightower, and could potentially supplant him as the #1 back.

#32 Pittsburgh Steelers select Evander Hood, Defensive Tackle, Missouri
A super-scary defense gets a little bit scarier.